I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
