I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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