Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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