Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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