the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
