ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
