my phone needs a breathalizer
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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