I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
