I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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