Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
