You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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