well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
