i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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