If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
