my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
