Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
