You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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