What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
