I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
