My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
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I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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