John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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