just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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