oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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