apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When did angry sex become our thing?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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