she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
