Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
