Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
