Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
