I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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