Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
