I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
