I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My ATM looks so different sober.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
