hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
