she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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