nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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