dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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