Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
