I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
