I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
