I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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