Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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