Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
