you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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