drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
