I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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