Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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