I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
