I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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