So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
