my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
