I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
