You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
