If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
