I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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