o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
