I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am naked and annoyed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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