he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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