dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
