we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
