the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
