I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
